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It was that simple. I had a dream parent, and I was over the moon. So when my dad started talking to me openly about his past sexual encounters, it felt fairly normal.

When he told me he was cheating on his current girlfriend, I was not bothered by it. I was 19, and my mother had always spoken to me like an adult.

I felt he was speaking to me the same way. I felt included in his club, and I was flattered.

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It was, in retrospect, yet another thing that might seem inappropriate to other kids. But I came from a kiss-on-the-lips relationship with both my mother and grandmother, and growing up, it was normal for us to cuddle and be affectionate together. I enjoyed it.

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I also had no idea what was normal in a father-daughter relationship. We held each other and I felt safe. When I started feeling sexually attracted to him-as well as shocked and horrified to realize it-I spoke of it to no one, least of all him.

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I hoped I would go home and the feeling would go away. Instead, it grew.

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During that final visit to Jamaica, I discovered our sexual attraction to be mutual. It was Augustand one day, my dad did something that deeply upset me. The heat outside was deadly, and we stayed cooped up in his bedroom, where there was air conditioning. We were watching TV to pass the time when he put on a porn channel.

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Sex workers were being interviewed and he told me which of them he would most like to fuck. I fled from the room in anger and confusion.

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I shut myself up in the other bedroom, which was oppressively hot, until he coaxed me to come out, apologizing repeatedly. I wanted to love him.

I felt I needed him in my otherwise broken life.

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But things were starting to feel wrong between us. He was crossing boundaries; I was doing my best to suppress my sexual attraction to him.

But despite my sense of impending doom, it was there. And then, we became sexually involved.

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I imagine that, unless you have experienced genetic sexual attraction yourself, this is going to sound entirely unbelievable. But trust me: it is as real and intense as anything. The sexual feelings I had for my father felt like a dark spell that had been cast over me-a description that a therapist told me had been used almost verbatim by another client who had experienced father-daughter GSA. In general, my guiding principle in life is being in control.

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But in that moment I had absolutely none. It was like those nightmares in which you scream and no one hears you: you are powerless and you know it.

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I felt ashamed of myself, and I had no one to talk to about it. We had oral sex a few times, almost always followed by my descending into a whirlwind of self-hate and disgust and dry heaving over the toilet in the bathroom attached to his room.

I did not want to fly home early because I knew my mother would have questions, so I stayed in Jamaica for the remaining few days of my scheduled visit, the darkest of my life. I felt so powerless that I begged him to stop me from initiating, and for him to stop initiating too. He agreed, did neither, and I remained horrifically and self-destructively unable to resist.

In the meantime he took me out for dinner with his friends and girlfriend, charming them all as usual. I wanted the floor to open up and make me disappear forever.

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Finally, on my last night in Jamaica, I shut myself up in the other bedroom, away from him, and he drove me to the airport in silence the next morning.

I hoped I would return home and the terrible feelings that haunted me would go away. Instead, they grew.

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I had daily panic attacks and felt like a criminal of the most terrible kind for years.

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